'am lost.. mayotteru...

im lost... huhuhu

 

Ways of Movin on

 Baket ba ang dami-sami kong kakilala lately na in the process of moving on? Ang dami naman masyadong  naghihiwalay!! O iniwan ng mga iniirog nila.  At yung iba naman, nadadagdag lang sa listahan ko ng mga kaibigang nagmo-move on kasi hindi naman talaga sila makaalis sa kalagayan nila. Yung tipong for the longest time eh nagpapakatanga at di maka-move on. Ano ba talaga ang kahulugan ng pag let go? May nareceive ako na text, sabi dun, “giving up something doesn’t mean you’re weak, instead, it makes you strong to let go of something important to you, coz love is not what makes you complete, it’s when you learn to be unselfish.” Hhmmm… So ibig bang sabihin, hindi nagmahal ng sapat ang mga taong hindi maka-move on? Selfish ba sila? Pero hindi ba minsan ang tao nagiging selfish nga dahil nagmamamahal sila? Haay, ewan ko! Ayoko na alamin ang sagot sa mga tanong na yan! Basta ako, move on na!

 Back to my topic, moving on… moving on… nag-iisip ako ng mga paraan to move on na pwede ko maishare sa ka-officemate ko na kaka-break lang sa kanyang boyfriend for some number of years.. Syempre masakit yun. Palagi sya naiiyak kahit pigil. At pag mag-isa, natutulala na lang minsan. Hindi ko talaga alam ano sasabihin ko eh di ko pa naman naranasan maipag-break eh! Kasabay ko sya pag lunch.. pati sa MRT! Wala na ako masabi kundi, “it’s for your own good.. la naman kwenta ang lalaking yun.. better na now nangyari yan kesa pag tumagal pa”..  Eto may naiisip akong mga paraan:

 

1.       HATE HIM! Hehehe.. the fastest and usually the first step to forget a person is to hate him (sige na nga pati ‘her’ isama ko na).  Pero pano mo i-hate ang taong naging mahal na mahal mo?  Sige iisip pa ako ibang paraan… Depende na lang siguro kung ubod ng walang hiya ng taong yun diba! Na tipong pinagpalit ka sa iba habang kayo pa, binubugbog ka or iniwan ka ng buntis ka. Yun, Kasumpa-sumpa talaga! Pero nakakapagtaka, may mga kilala akong sa kabila ng lahat, di pa rin sila maka pag let go. Lakas ng hang ups! Umaasang magiging maayos pa rin sa huli. Do I pity them? No. Siguro better word to describe what I feel for them – Empathy. I’m past that stage na black and white tingin ko sa lahat ng bagay.

 

2.       Write all the things you hate about the person. Isulat mo rin mga rason bakit wala siya kwenta at kung bakit dapat maghiwalay na kayo. And DON’T compare the list with your list of what you love about the person (in case meron kang listahan nito), baka mapansin mong mas marami ka reasons to love the person eh… mahirap na!

 

3.       Rant all you want. Rant to people who would understand you. Kung kakilala mo yung ex nya or someone linked sa kanya in the past, kaibiganin mo!! I’m sure marami kayo hate list sa taong gusto mong kalimutan!! Hahaha. Sharing kayo. (totoo ‘to!!! This works!!! May kilala ako ginagawa ito eh!)

 

4.       Burn, bury, destroy mementos that will remind you of that person.. naku naku, mahirap ito! Saka SAYANG din kung itapon mo lahat..remembrance din yun.. hmm..Itago nalang mabuti. Sa lugar na di mo palagi makikita! Eh pano ka naman mag move on kung maya’t maya nakikita mo ang  mga bagay na nagpapaalala sayo sa taong iyon. Sinasaktan mo ang sarili mo nyan. In due time, pag finally you’ve let go, then you can look at those souvenirs and just smile, w/o feeling hurt.

 

5.       Syempre, It goes w/o saying na you shouldn’t go to places that will remind you of that person, don’t listen to your theme song. Unless ang iyong goal ay maghinagpis ng tuluyan, sige go!

6.      Do something different, travel, learn a new hobby, learn a language, etc!  Something for diversion.

 

7.       Read self-help books kung talagang nadedepress ka pa at di makapag move on. Or visit a shrink! Malay mo eto pala talaga kailangan mo!

 

Wish ko lang makatulong nga ang mga ito sa frend ko. Sa susunod na mag-usap kami, sasabihin ko sa kanya ang mga ito. Siguro mababaw ang mga paraan, pero ano ba talaga ang paraan para makalimot? Panahon lang siguro ang susi. Pero hindi ibig sabihin nun ay pababayaan na lang natin ang panahon ang gumawa nun. Mindset din ang kailangan. May isang forwarded email na bagay na bagay sa mga dapat mag move on. Hahanapin ko sa inbox ko at ifoforward din sa officemate ko.  Nagprint pa nito noon yung isa ko officemate  at binigyan ang ilang mga tao sa opis. Isang kaibigan ko rin ang nagpost nito sa blog nya.. Siguro nangangailangan kasi sya mag-move on. Pero ewan ko kung nagawa nya. Malabo pa rin ata. (Isa lang masasabi ko sa kanya : GAMBARE!) Eto paborito kong linya dun:

 

      Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

 

posted by: hyde_chan at 01:22 | link | comments |

Waging War with GOKIBURI!!

Hay Nako, ano ba meron sa ipis, bakit ako takot na takot!? Pag nakikita ko sila, kinikilabutan talaga ako. Nawawala ako sa sarili ko at nagtatatalon at nagtatatakbo palayo sa ipis!

Nakakainis!!! Kelan ba ako mananalo sa pesteng yan!?  Mula pa ng pagkabata ay takot na ako sa ipis. Nagsimula ito nung ako ay 3 o 4 na taong gulang, isang batang paslit na nanonood ng telebisyon isang gabi... Nang biglang.....

IPIS!!

Langya, dumapo sa balikat ko yung lumilipad na ipis!! Natakot ako ah! At simula noon, di na nawala ang takot ko sa lecheng ipis na yan!

3 taon ang nakakaraan, namatay ang lolo ko.. naglalamay kami.. makaraan ng ilang araw, pagod na pagod at antok na antok na laging madaling araw ng alas 4 natutulog, humiga na ako sa kama, katabi ang mommy ko. Nagpapasalamat sa sarili na sa wakas, makakatulog na ako. Unti-unting nakukuha ko na ang tulog ko, may nakakakiliting bagay na dumikit sa braso ko. SYEMPRE MEGA DILAT AKO BIGLA!! Voila! Isang IPIS! Ginising ko ang natutulog ko nang nanay para patayin ang ipis! Na di rin napatay sa sobrang antok. hahaha!! Di na ako makatulog! May araw na at alas sais na nang muling dinalaw ako ng antok. 

Isang gabi 2 taon ang nakalipas, 2 am, matutulog na ako.. may lumipad na IPIS! Syempre mega labas ako sa kwarto! Ginising ang kapatid ko na galit na galit sa akin sa ginawa ko at pinapatay ko sa kanya ang ipis!

GGRRR!!! Baket ba di ko kaya patayin ang ipis gamit ang tsinelas!! Baygon lang ang kaya ko gamitin!!

KAGABI! 3 am ng madaling araw.. Himbing na himbing ang tulog ko.. wala nga ako matandaang panaginip eh.. at biglang!!

PARANG may gumapang na IPIS sa kamay ko!! huhuhuhuhu... Nagising ako bigla. Di ko nakita kasi madilim ang kwarto. Punta ako sa ilaw at binuksan ito upang hanapin ang ipis. di ko makita!! Inisip ko, siguro nananaginip ako na may naramdaman akong ipis... pero nawala na yung antok ko... at muli, ako ang ginulat at iniskandalo!! habang nakaupo sa kama, binubuklat ang kumot ko, biglang tumakbo ang IPIS sa hita ko! Buti na lang naka-pajama ako!! Nagtatatalon ako at nagtititili ng pigil kasi naman tulog na lahat ng tao! Nalaglag yung ipis sa sahig at tumakbo palayo sa akin. Nanginginig ako sa takot! Hindi ko talaga kaya ang ipis! Mamamatay ako sa nerbyos sa ipis! Muli, natalo ako :(  Napalayas na naman ako sa sarili kong kwarto! Umalis ako ng kwarto at lumipat ng higaan. Naghugas ng kamay at nag-alkohol. At natulog ng BUKAS ang ilaw!

MGA LECHENG IPIS KAYO!!! MAY ARAW DIN KAYO SA AKIN!!!

I may lose the battle, but I won't lose the war!!!

BAYGON lang katapat nyo!

posted by: hyde_chan at 01:00 | link | comments |

Confessions of a Jologs Queen

 

 I always have this cool/cold/calculating demeanor that others seemed to recoil in my mere presence, or so I thought. But people do change. If for better, then it’s good, but if not, then better not to change at all! But I believe people need to change after a period of time. If you don’t then you’ll get stuck with your hang-ups of lost opportunities in life. That’s the WORSE state a person can ever be. It’s not easy to change, sometimes, it just happens naturally. There are times though that you have to force yourself into it. Due to unavoidable circumstances, you just have to move on. All I can say is that change is the key for improvement. (My mantra in life)

So, why am I writing this? Have I changed? Am working on it  But now, I can’t define if I’ve changed into someone better. Hahaha..I just changed into someone I never imagined myself to be. I’ve never considered myself a ‘jolog’ (is Jolog the singular form of jologs? I don’t know!!). That doesn’t suit my personality. I, who wouldn’t eat a shrimp using bare hands, a jolog? No way! I even eat crabs with spoon and fork. But lately, there are weird things that made me rethink my whole persona. Let me give some examples:

 

-          I watched MMF parade in QC circle.. YES! I did that!  

-          I watched Mulawin and Exodus in Cinemas (but on my defense, the tickets were free!!)

-          I’m watching PBB every night. Ask me their names and the happenings of both Season 1 and celeb edition, and I can tell you

-          I’m a certified Korean Novela addict

-          Not only novelas, MOVIES too

-          I stalked an artista (Korean pa!) - Yes, we stalked him in Dusit, even researched his flight sched! haha! I used my phd in stalking!

-          Willing to go to (saving now for it) and want to learn Korean to understand K-dramas better! (Well, this is not new, I started learning Jap because I loved Anime before. Then the love for the culture and Japan itself followed)

-          I watched Encatadia and Etheria (and I love Alfred Bargas – Aquil?/Amarro dun.. haay.. I hate GMA for changing the time sched. now I can't watch it anymore )

-          Lastly, I just watched a Filipino romantic movie – 'Close to You' (Yes! DON'T LAUGH!! I watched it!?! I can’t even believe myself. But I love Sam! And Yes, this is the first Filipino Romantic movie I watched in theater)

 

 

 

I bet I just cannot remember all. Oh I forgot to add, I am usually excited to hear chikaminute updates about artistas I don’t even know who. So, does this list make me a Jolog? You decide.

 

 

 

Disclaimer: I’m not condemning jologs here

-         

 

 

 

posted by: hyde_chan at 23:17 | link | comments (2) |

Someone Ideal

Sabi ko nga, in order to get what you want, you have to know what you want. Here's a list I made about how I picture my ideal man. This was written years ago.. Funny to read it again.. and now I'm even sharing it in public.

1. Must be Single (no girlfriend at lalong walang asawa).

2. Taller than me (o sige tawad, atleast same height as I'm a bit taller than normal pinays)

3. Gwapo in his own special, unique way (kahit ako lang makapansin nun, basta gwapo for yours truly.. kasi pano ako gigising sa umaga ng panget ang katabi ko)

4. Can tolerate my moodswings esp my bitchiness (di naman lagi diba..)

5. Smart (dapat lang, pano na ang magiging anak ko, baka magmana sa kanya so dapat smart din sya)

6. Funny, kwela kasama, with a good sense of humor (can make me laugh).

7. Malambing (hhaaaayy)

8. A good cook.

9. Hindi babaero. Never a two-timer.

10. Someone who can surprise me in little ways (mababaw naman ako talaga)

11. Sana broad shoulders para masarap i-hug (wish list ko naman itoh)

12. Someone who will take care of me.

13.  Someone who will make me feel respected, loved and special kapag kasama ko.

14. Someone who won't keep me from my friends

15. Hindi seloso

16. Hindi ako pipigilan uminom (social drinker lang naman ako)

17. Loved by my family and friends. Magaling makisama

18. Won't compete with me (kasi I will never compete with him din)

19. Someone proud of me (even at times when I hate myself)

20. A gentleman in many ways (pero not to the point na dadalhin ang kikay bag for me. Hindi naman ako lumpo para di makabuhat ng sarili kong bag)

Hmm...dami pala ako list... no wonder wala ako makita.. and in looking for this person, I was hurt in the process.
Eto ako ngayon - Never mind the list!!!!  Just need a good man who can make me laugh. The rest - negotiable. hahahaha

Lovingly yours,

hannah

posted by: hyde_chan at 01:20 | link | comments |

My Life's Creed

I read somewhere that in order to get what you want, you have to know what you want. What is it that I realy want?? I have a vague picture of it.

But I'm not totaly lost, as I have my plans and long term goals in life. Still, I envy those people who can plan their lives as if it's a map carefully drawn in front of them, while mine is just a rough sketch full of erasures and revisions.

While cleaning up the junks in my computer, I stumbled upon one of the activities given to us when I attended a training about 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (by Stephen Covey - the Management guru!) more than a year ago.

I wish I can apply them all to my everyday life, to my everyday interaction with various people and events. I've almost forgotten about this. We were given a task to create ones life statement, a purpose of our being, a mission statement that will guide a person in making decisions, in every aspect of his life. It’s a mental plan in written form. Here’s what I’ve written. I wonder how much have I applied… lemme see...

 

My Life’s Creed 

Be the Best Me That I Can Be 

Life:   I am proactive and I follow my Goals

            I live my days with joy and contentment and I appreciate every li’l things

            I am who I think I am and not what other people think I am

            I trust people and believing in their best capabilities

            I guard my thoughts

            I smile a lot J

Love:   I try to love unconditionally

            I follow my heart but I listen to my mind

            I do not fear rejection, only lost opportunities

            My love is my best friend

            I pamper him with everything whilst giving space to the relationship

Work: I try to work my 100% all the time

            I find pleasure even when times are tough

            I am trustworthy, responsible and my boss can depend on me

            I try to finish what I commit w/o sacrificing quality

Family: I share what I have with them and find time to be with them

            I enjoy their company as much as I enjoy being with friends

            I love my mom and dad, and I know they only want the best for me

            I love my brother and try to be close to him by understanding him

Friends:I find time to spend with them, enjoy laughter as well as endure hard times

            My friends know me inside out

            I am available for their needs

Myself:
           (Physical):   I exercise at least 3 times a week

                             I eat balance food everyday

                             I take a break from monotony J and loving it!

            (Mental):    I cultivate my mind by reading a book at least a month

                              I add knowledge by studying new things (once a yr)

            (Spiritual): I love my God with all my heart, my soul, my life  

                              I share my belief to people when opportunity arises

            (Emotional): I write what I feel in my journal

                              I read self-help books when needed

                              I am not afraid to show emotions, but bearing in mind others feelings

I live my life by this creed. Something more but nothing less! :)

 I'm actually guilty for not living up to this. I know I haven't done half of this. Take for example 'exercise', I haven't done that for months! Am I a loyal and understanding friend? I'm constantly trying to be.  Have I loved unconditionally? I'm inclined to think I had. But who  knows! Maybe I'm too  much of a brat to be capable of falling in love. Do I follow my heart? Yes I do, but I do fear rejection as well. In the first place, how can I follow the creed when I don't have that someone in my life? Am I proactive? I don't think so. I am afraid to leave my comfort zone. And the list goes on and on.. longer than the creed itself.

This should have been my guiding principles everyday

 

posted by: hyde_chan at 17:27 | link | comments |

NAIIYAK

 

Gusto ko umiyak. NGAYON!!  as in now na. Para makahinga  na ako ng maluwag. Di ko mapigil. Naiiyak ako na kumakabog ng husto ang dibdib ko sa di ko maipaliwanag na dahilan. Ewan ko talaga kung bakit? Ano ba ang rason? Bakit nabubuang na ata talaga ako. Walang malalim na dahilan eh nagiging iyakin ako. Hindi lang walang malalim na dahilan, wala talagang dahilan na dapat ikaiyak. Anubah!

Leche naman. Masaya naman ako sa buhay ko ah. Ano ba ang kulang? Ay Lech, mas lalo ayoko na isipin. Wag na lang. Baka lalo lang ako maiyak.  Baka maisip ko pa na yun ang puno't dulo ng nararamdaman ko ngayon. Tanghaling tapat, naiiyak talaga ako. Bwiset!

Lilipas din ito. Give me a few mins.. or hrs.. or a day.. makakalimutan ko rin ang nararamdaman kong lungkot ngayon. Dumadaan na naman ba ako sa quarter-life crisis? NOWAY! Ayoko na!

posted by: hyde_chan at 11:22 | link | comments (2) |